A Change Will Do Us Good

Ok. So here’s a quick rundown of my liberal credentials.

Just kidding. Lately I’ve gotten questioned over my liberalness- am I too liberal, not liberal enough, do I challenge enough people, do I have no legitimate reasons for my liberality, why bother if I’m just one person, and on and on to the point where it gets foolish. The thing is I’m not sure why I’m getting all this heat. It’s not like I shove my views in people’s faces- least I don’t think I do. In fact generally speaking I kind of tend to be of the belief that I should just live and let live. Ok, I know that some things should not be allowed to slide and there are some things I should speak up for, and I do, but I don’t think its necessary for everything or effective for everything. I just think that if what you’re doing is not hurting other people and not hurting yourself that that should be taken into account when challenging others about decisions they make- mind you not ignored, just taken into account.

I guess, in a way, I just don’t believe that my words are going to persuade anyone to change their mind, or that anyone will actually hear what I have to say to begin with; especially if they don’t want to (and if they do, then aren’t I just preaching to the choir?)- from what I’ve seen, people don’t change a damn thing about themselves until they are good and ready regardless of who says what to them. And It’s not that I think one person can’t make a difference either, they can- its just that well, people seem far more bothered and riled by the way I live my life when I’m living it than they do when they can argue back in some sort of debate-like fashion. I mean, you should see how much flack I get at work for being a vegetarian, regardless of the fact that people don’t know I am until they physically see me refuse meat or fail to come to work with chicken or fish in my lunch. And sometimes all I have to do is mention my weekend plans, when asked, to get inundated with bullshit about the welfare system, and/or bucking trends (depending on my activity).

So what this leads me to, then, is a question. Does it make more sense to utilize the way you exist, as much as possible, as a means of protest and putting forth into the world the lifestyle you see as most sound and sane, or do you get out on the street corners and shout about it, instigate arguments and/or debates amongst friends, block enterances to ill corporations and organizations, and call people out whenever you see them go off the path you believe is right or righteous?...In truth it seems to be a question of degrees more than a question of opposite choices, but I still think it’s a relevant distinction to make, and possibly one that might make the difference between getting people to maybe, possibly, think about they way you live your life and why, and simply getting them to hear you.

Now maybe sometimes my way of doing things could be construed as cowardly- if you never fight the system openly you never get them to see that there is something to fight against- but I don’t see the way I live my life as ‘not’ fighting the system. I just see it as quietly and slowly working toward change where I can in the system, and maintaining as much balance and sanity as I can in my own way of life. And that doesn't mean I never talk about my beliefs either or question other people- hell if you read this, you know I do. Anway, whichever way I chose to engage, my life and the way I live it is far from the perfect protest- I know, ( and I’m ok with that too) but I guess when I think of change, and the changes I want to see happen, I feel like change has to start with me in whatever small way I can do it. I guess maybe this is a primary difference between me and most activists- I think real change comes from evolution, not revolution. But then that could just be the therapist in me talking.

Anyway, let me know what you think- cause, well, I’m interested.

Choking Down Some Wedding Cake?

Ok. So here’s the thing I discovered- I’m scared. The thing of it is I was talking to a friend the other night and I ended up making him probably, I mean most likely, believe I was crazy. Not crazy in the actual sense, but crazy in the sense of stereotypical mainstream women who believe they need to get married and have babies before they hit 30. It started because he reminded me that I was closing in on 30. The thing of it is, I don’t know that I’m scared of “never finding a husband”…I’ve never been that type of person and so for me to believe that this unnatural fear that surged up in me what simply about that has been virtually impossible. I don’t even know how much I’d care about getting married or not. I mean- to be fair I’m not enormously anti-marriage (anti-wedding/ anti-tradition yes, but that’s another story for another time), its just that I couldn’t care less if I was married or just living with someone I care about - so that couldn’t be it either. Anyway, all that junk is simply to say I think I figured it out.

I think this fear thing is about change. I kid you not, 14 people I know have gotten married or engaged in the last year and while I could take or leave the whole marriage business the thing that bothers me about it is that my friends and loved ones are changing in clear and obvious ways. Things are moving on and I guess what I’ve realized is that in the last 5 years I’ve changed too, but in ways that I’ve far from anticipated. For years I moved around a lot, traveled all over the place, moved between social groups, did things that scared me, lived in totally foreign and remote places. Now I have lived in the same city for 4 years, only moved once, gotten a full time job that has no real end in sight; I even slowed down dating. And the thing that makes me nervous about that is that I’m scared I’m settling down and becoming well- complacent. I see it happening in things I let go of, things I don’t try as hard at or care as much about. Hell some of the people I’ve become familiar with think it’s risky for me to cut my hair. And the thing of it is that that life style is fine for plenty of people- its just that it’s never once in my adult life ever been me. I don’t know what to do with that. I still consistently get the urge to travel and change things up, but its just harder now with a full time job and responsibility and all that crap.

Anyway change is just around the corner and I know it. Soon I will get my license and then I will take some time and disappear into the world once again, but for now the suspense is killing me- I think I might get my hair cut. Or maybe an ironic tattoo. At the very least I plan to disappear into the woods of NH and VT for a week or so and recouperate. Along with needing change I’ve been craving green.