Con-trol:
verb-
to exercise restraint or direction over; dominate; command.
To hold in check; curb
to test or verify
to eliminate or prevent the flourishing of or spread of
to check or regulate.
I'm building a theory. Can you guess what its about?
I hope to make this more than just a personal theory at some point in the future. This may be the next thing I take a long hard look into with any studies I may do or research I may try to become a part of- If I can. If I can't, maybe I'll write some sort of hackneyed research-based book about it and be able to get away with it because I have my masters degree and hopefully will be licensed. Anyway, hear it out and leave me your thoughts if you like.
I think that control is one of the primary motivations in every human beings life. Since we no longer have a real need to seek out means of controlling our environment, and arguably we have conquered much of it anyway, I think that human nature being what it is, we are seeking out more and more finite things to control. My belief is that this is what leads us to attempt to control things like emotions, reactions, others, others responses, our own responses...the list really goes on. I haven't determined whether this is in actuality a residue of some primal urge to control, or the inevitable evolution of people, or some type of neurotic outgrowth of the way we have evolved into living our lives, but it's there whatever the reason. Even in those who willfully and intentionally relinquish traditional control- the effort is still in relationship to control and controlling, or eliminating the need/desire/urge to.
What made me think about this? Ex-boyfriends mostly. Well, OK- more specifically and truthfully- my sessions with therapy clients, co-workers, my friends, my family, myself, the country, foreign policy, Israel, Palestine, and yes, ex-boyfriends.
In terms of foreign policy and foreign affairs I think its pretty obvious- at least to me- that wars, treaties, nuclear arms races, what have you, are related to control of resources, wealth, power and land. On a personal level though, this exact same phenomenon will play itself out in relationships with others as well as with the world around us. OCD is a wonderful example of this. Colloquially OCD is about engaging in ritualized or patterned behaviors in order to obtain relief from anxiety that the individual feels/knows they cannot manage another way. Somehow something like hand washing lends the individual a modicum of control over the anxiety they are experiencing. This is oversimplified of course- but you can see where some of this is heading. In our relationships many of us are constantly making an effort to figure out what the other person wants and needs or to figure out what we want and need and we try various ways to obtain all of it- we manage ourselves and others so as to hopefully predict the best outcome and act accordingly.
Even in an activity like gambling- which in actuality is based primarily on chance- the people who get hooked on it are the ones that believe they have a "system" or can beat the "system" put in place by the gambling establishment. They organize philosophies about the cards, the shuffling, the dealing, the dealer, the tells, and they act on them- all this to win the most money and control a game which seems initially beyond their control.
Anyway, like I said this is preliminary, so this is about as far as I think I'm willing to go here without doing more research. But thinking about it fascinates me endlessly. I wonder what the world would look like without the urge to control. If it would even be possible to remove the urge to control at all. I wonder if we would be better or worse off. I wonder if it's something that will evolve into yet a different behavior and become something totally 'other' centuries from now. I wonder if it has any benefit at all, and if so, what it is or if its anything beyond simple peace of mind. And I wonder- if it is related to peace of mind- is there another way to achieve that? Even some of the eastern religions- while they talk about being in the moment and existing in what is ( that's a hatchet job on eastern religion, so I apologize- but its more or less just serving my point right now) still function as a means of maintaining the ultimate control over ones human urges- elevating ones self above them.
For the meantime, until I research this theory some more, its interesting to think about control in my own life and how I exercise that or choose not to and the ways it leaves me feeling/ impacts my interactions with others, and while I'm not the biggest proponent of endless amounts of introspection, I think its something we could all benefit from thinking about in relationship to our own lives, at the minimum.
Sunday, February 28, 2010
Monday, October 19, 2009
Free Radicals.
Radical. Its a fun word. Say it with me, "Radical". But what does it mean? I'm not speaking of radical in the 1990's surfer dude sense of the word, I'm talking about making the decision to identify ones self or another person as a radical in politics, thought, or manner of being. This weekend I hosted a pot luck for a group I'm involved in and we call ourselves "Radical ". Its in our title, and a friend of mine, being derisive though she was, asked me what made us "radical" and the answer stuck in my throat. To begin with its tricky enough to identify radical politics. Voting democrat when you're a republican may be considered a radical move, loud protesters
are often labeled as radicals regardless of what side of the fence they sit on, as well as people who try to erase their entire carbon foot print by composting their own garbage or live off scraps of food and found objects in dumpsters on purpose. And of course Anne Coulter- we all know she's a radical right wing nut job. Is radical anything outside the norm, then? And if this is the case is it the goal of people who live like this to de-radicalize their way of life and normalize it? Or is it normal to them from the jump and therefore not radical?
The idea, I suppose, is that the way you are functioning/operating/behaving is above and beyond what most people would consider a reasonable approach. What does it mean about people who are not radical or who do not consider themselves radical? And does it take down connections and widen gaps when someone self identifies as a radical to someone who does not?Would someone who goes to Starbucks, but creates art deconstructing racism be considered a radical or would someone who is studying to be a corporate lawyer but protests the health care stance of Whole Foods be considered radical? Would they both? Neither?
See its sticky. What I propose is this: as much as I appreciate the group I am involved in and think that the work we are headed towards is important, I think that the term radical can risk creating gaps and eliminating opportunities for conversation. Instead of becoming informed on the work we do, my friend shut down conversation because the word radical did something for her that I didn't quite understand or anticipate and for the rest of the evening the three that I was with jokingly ribbed me when anything I said involved words about our cause. I could no longer be heard on the good the group does because radical had caused such a divide that there was no crossing. It was almost as if it said "I'm more anti- this than you are, and in fact, I'm so anti that we aren't going to understand each other on any level". And sure its an entirely self conscious move on her part to place that word in between us when my friend knows my stances and agrees with much of the work, but there it stood and I no longer could tell her what I thought because the word had been used to create a divide.
Does this mean I'm opposed to radical politics or calling it radical politics? Am I splitting hairs to suggest that calling it by another name would be far more open and inviting? Maybe I am and maybe in the end it wouldn't matter at all, but I just couldn't help but notice what that small, and arguably really fun to say, word had done. It made me someone on the outside rather than someone working towards unity. Anyone who knows me knows I don't have a hard time being the outsider in a conversation, or the one with the dissenting voice (no matter how delicately I put it) but something in there is problematic that I can't quite place my finger on. Being willing to place ones self on the outside to make people think or get a point across or because its the right thing to do is one thing. Placing ones self or another on the outside in a box allows us to stop listening to them. I guess that's what I don't like.
Saturday, September 20, 2008
Heavy Handed Metaphors in Politics
Its chilly and grey this morning. Fall has set in relatively on schedule this year as opposed to the late October set- in we’ve been experiencing in the last few years. It makes me think of patchwork quilts and wood burning stoves, though I’ve never really experienced either of those as a signifier of fall. Having grown up in the north east what typically signals this season are apple picking trips that somehow always involve hay, pumpkins, and an increase in my consumption of tea. A good cup of tea always takes the chill off.
The other thing about the fall that sets in, often like a wet blanket, is the election season. Right when the world feels its dullest the politics of our tangled little democratic republic seem to take up the cause and try their hand at breathing life into the land. Unfortunately they always seem to fail in some terrible and predictable way.
Now don’t get me wrong- the election season can seem very exciting and will get people chattering about health care, economics, the environment, big business and all the news worthy topics. They will talk from June to November about all the things they believe should matter to them and to the politicians, and for that time it will matter. But then, like the first real frost of winter, once the election begins coming to a close those things seem to no longer hold life- it begins to be about getting your candidate through the door no matter how their policies have changed through the summer. And once they are through the door? Pardon the heavy handed metaphors, but it’s as if we begin to feel that it’s acceptable to hibernate on the things that mattered to us in the first place.
I was at a panel discussion a couple weekends ago and one of the panelists began talking about how he’s noticed that if there is a candidate we like in some general way, that because of this default two party system (where our options are often seem to boil down to Mary-Kate or Ashley) we find ourselves throwing our full support behind a candidate we feel connected with in spirit, but not in policy. The panelist talked about how instead of letting our hopes and dreams die with the election season, and instead of following the concept of doing our duty to keep the other guy out of office, we should continue to throw our energy into changing the chosen candidates points of view once he/she is in office. We should keep working on and talking about the things that matter most, the things we usually remember we care about as the spring hits us, and allow to die with the leaves in the fall.
Now obviously this is not the case for all. Many people continue to think about these things and concern themselves with their importance all year long, but maybe what we need is more people to not only care, but to act on their concerns and to speak on them.
I know that in my last post I talked about change through life choices and the benefits of sometimes leaving the rafters silent, and I still maintain that for certain life choices that’s ok (I’m certainly not going to write to my congressmen about the importance of vegetarianism or buying used items) but for things that affect our health, our ability to feed ourselves, our ability to keep a roof over our head, I’m just not sure how we can let those issues go unheard for so long. They matter to all of us in small ways every day, so why would we think that talking about it once in a great while would make a difference? Perhaps if we talked about it more regularly the candidates would have to address it more regularly. I’ve never been a believer that change comes by revolution. I think it comes by evolution and I think that evolution takes time, effort, and persistent adaptation.
The other thing about the fall that sets in, often like a wet blanket, is the election season. Right when the world feels its dullest the politics of our tangled little democratic republic seem to take up the cause and try their hand at breathing life into the land. Unfortunately they always seem to fail in some terrible and predictable way.
Now don’t get me wrong- the election season can seem very exciting and will get people chattering about health care, economics, the environment, big business and all the news worthy topics. They will talk from June to November about all the things they believe should matter to them and to the politicians, and for that time it will matter. But then, like the first real frost of winter, once the election begins coming to a close those things seem to no longer hold life- it begins to be about getting your candidate through the door no matter how their policies have changed through the summer. And once they are through the door? Pardon the heavy handed metaphors, but it’s as if we begin to feel that it’s acceptable to hibernate on the things that mattered to us in the first place.
I was at a panel discussion a couple weekends ago and one of the panelists began talking about how he’s noticed that if there is a candidate we like in some general way, that because of this default two party system (where our options are often seem to boil down to Mary-Kate or Ashley) we find ourselves throwing our full support behind a candidate we feel connected with in spirit, but not in policy. The panelist talked about how instead of letting our hopes and dreams die with the election season, and instead of following the concept of doing our duty to keep the other guy out of office, we should continue to throw our energy into changing the chosen candidates points of view once he/she is in office. We should keep working on and talking about the things that matter most, the things we usually remember we care about as the spring hits us, and allow to die with the leaves in the fall.
Now obviously this is not the case for all. Many people continue to think about these things and concern themselves with their importance all year long, but maybe what we need is more people to not only care, but to act on their concerns and to speak on them.
I know that in my last post I talked about change through life choices and the benefits of sometimes leaving the rafters silent, and I still maintain that for certain life choices that’s ok (I’m certainly not going to write to my congressmen about the importance of vegetarianism or buying used items) but for things that affect our health, our ability to feed ourselves, our ability to keep a roof over our head, I’m just not sure how we can let those issues go unheard for so long. They matter to all of us in small ways every day, so why would we think that talking about it once in a great while would make a difference? Perhaps if we talked about it more regularly the candidates would have to address it more regularly. I’ve never been a believer that change comes by revolution. I think it comes by evolution and I think that evolution takes time, effort, and persistent adaptation.
Sunday, August 10, 2008
A Change Will Do Us Good
Ok. So here’s a quick rundown of my liberal credentials.
Just kidding. Lately I’ve gotten questioned over my liberalness- am I too liberal, not liberal enough, do I challenge enough people, do I have no legitimate reasons for my liberality, why bother if I’m just one person, and on and on to the point where it gets foolish. The thing is I’m not sure why I’m getting all this heat. It’s not like I shove my views in people’s faces- least I don’t think I do. In fact generally speaking I kind of tend to be of the belief that I should just live and let live. Ok, I know that some things should not be allowed to slide and there are some things I should speak up for, and I do, but I don’t think its necessary for everything or effective for everything. I just think that if what you’re doing is not hurting other people and not hurting yourself that that should be taken into account when challenging others about decisions they make- mind you not ignored, just taken into account.
I guess, in a way, I just don’t believe that my words are going to persuade anyone to change their mind, or that anyone will actually hear what I have to say to begin with; especially if they don’t want to (and if they do, then aren’t I just preaching to the choir?)- from what I’ve seen, people don’t change a damn thing about themselves until they are good and ready regardless of who says what to them. And It’s not that I think one person can’t make a difference either, they can- its just that well, people seem far more bothered and riled by the way I live my life when I’m living it than they do when they can argue back in some sort of debate-like fashion. I mean, you should see how much flack I get at work for being a vegetarian, regardless of the fact that people don’t know I am until they physically see me refuse meat or fail to come to work with chicken or fish in my lunch. And sometimes all I have to do is mention my weekend plans, when asked, to get inundated with bullshit about the welfare system, and/or bucking trends (depending on my activity).
So what this leads me to, then, is a question. Does it make more sense to utilize the way you exist, as much as possible, as a means of protest and putting forth into the world the lifestyle you see as most sound and sane, or do you get out on the street corners and shout about it, instigate arguments and/or debates amongst friends, block enterances to ill corporations and organizations, and call people out whenever you see them go off the path you believe is right or righteous?...In truth it seems to be a question of degrees more than a question of opposite choices, but I still think it’s a relevant distinction to make, and possibly one that might make the difference between getting people to maybe, possibly, think about they way you live your life and why, and simply getting them to hear you.
Now maybe sometimes my way of doing things could be construed as cowardly- if you never fight the system openly you never get them to see that there is something to fight against- but I don’t see the way I live my life as ‘not’ fighting the system. I just see it as quietly and slowly working toward change where I can in the system, and maintaining as much balance and sanity as I can in my own way of life. And that doesn't mean I never talk about my beliefs either or question other people- hell if you read this, you know I do. Anway, whichever way I chose to engage, my life and the way I live it is far from the perfect protest- I know, ( and I’m ok with that too) but I guess when I think of change, and the changes I want to see happen, I feel like change has to start with me in whatever small way I can do it. I guess maybe this is a primary difference between me and most activists- I think real change comes from evolution, not revolution. But then that could just be the therapist in me talking.
Anyway, let me know what you think- cause, well, I’m interested.
Just kidding. Lately I’ve gotten questioned over my liberalness- am I too liberal, not liberal enough, do I challenge enough people, do I have no legitimate reasons for my liberality, why bother if I’m just one person, and on and on to the point where it gets foolish. The thing is I’m not sure why I’m getting all this heat. It’s not like I shove my views in people’s faces- least I don’t think I do. In fact generally speaking I kind of tend to be of the belief that I should just live and let live. Ok, I know that some things should not be allowed to slide and there are some things I should speak up for, and I do, but I don’t think its necessary for everything or effective for everything. I just think that if what you’re doing is not hurting other people and not hurting yourself that that should be taken into account when challenging others about decisions they make- mind you not ignored, just taken into account.
I guess, in a way, I just don’t believe that my words are going to persuade anyone to change their mind, or that anyone will actually hear what I have to say to begin with; especially if they don’t want to (and if they do, then aren’t I just preaching to the choir?)- from what I’ve seen, people don’t change a damn thing about themselves until they are good and ready regardless of who says what to them. And It’s not that I think one person can’t make a difference either, they can- its just that well, people seem far more bothered and riled by the way I live my life when I’m living it than they do when they can argue back in some sort of debate-like fashion. I mean, you should see how much flack I get at work for being a vegetarian, regardless of the fact that people don’t know I am until they physically see me refuse meat or fail to come to work with chicken or fish in my lunch. And sometimes all I have to do is mention my weekend plans, when asked, to get inundated with bullshit about the welfare system, and/or bucking trends (depending on my activity).
So what this leads me to, then, is a question. Does it make more sense to utilize the way you exist, as much as possible, as a means of protest and putting forth into the world the lifestyle you see as most sound and sane, or do you get out on the street corners and shout about it, instigate arguments and/or debates amongst friends, block enterances to ill corporations and organizations, and call people out whenever you see them go off the path you believe is right or righteous?...In truth it seems to be a question of degrees more than a question of opposite choices, but I still think it’s a relevant distinction to make, and possibly one that might make the difference between getting people to maybe, possibly, think about they way you live your life and why, and simply getting them to hear you.
Now maybe sometimes my way of doing things could be construed as cowardly- if you never fight the system openly you never get them to see that there is something to fight against- but I don’t see the way I live my life as ‘not’ fighting the system. I just see it as quietly and slowly working toward change where I can in the system, and maintaining as much balance and sanity as I can in my own way of life. And that doesn't mean I never talk about my beliefs either or question other people- hell if you read this, you know I do. Anway, whichever way I chose to engage, my life and the way I live it is far from the perfect protest- I know, ( and I’m ok with that too) but I guess when I think of change, and the changes I want to see happen, I feel like change has to start with me in whatever small way I can do it. I guess maybe this is a primary difference between me and most activists- I think real change comes from evolution, not revolution. But then that could just be the therapist in me talking.
Anyway, let me know what you think- cause, well, I’m interested.
Monday, August 4, 2008
Choking Down Some Wedding Cake?
Ok. So here’s the thing I discovered- I’m scared. The thing of it is I was talking to a friend the other night and I ended up making him probably, I mean most likely, believe I was crazy. Not crazy in the actual sense, but crazy in the sense of stereotypical mainstream women who believe they need to get married and have babies before they hit 30. It started because he reminded me that I was closing in on 30. The thing of it is, I don’t know that I’m scared of “never finding a husband”…I’ve never been that type of person and so for me to believe that this unnatural fear that surged up in me what simply about that has been virtually impossible. I don’t even know how much I’d care about getting married or not. I mean- to be fair I’m not enormously anti-marriage (anti-wedding/ anti-tradition yes, but that’s another story for another time), its just that I couldn’t care less if I was married or just living with someone I care about - so that couldn’t be it either. Anyway, all that junk is simply to say I think I figured it out.
I think this fear thing is about change. I kid you not, 14 people I know have gotten married or engaged in the last year and while I could take or leave the whole marriage business the thing that bothers me about it is that my friends and loved ones are changing in clear and obvious ways. Things are moving on and I guess what I’ve realized is that in the last 5 years I’ve changed too, but in ways that I’ve far from anticipated. For years I moved around a lot, traveled all over the place, moved between social groups, did things that scared me, lived in totally foreign and remote places. Now I have lived in the same city for 4 years, only moved once, gotten a full time job that has no real end in sight; I even slowed down dating. And the thing that makes me nervous about that is that I’m scared I’m settling down and becoming well- complacent. I see it happening in things I let go of, things I don’t try as hard at or care as much about. Hell some of the people I’ve become familiar with think it’s risky for me to cut my hair. And the thing of it is that that life style is fine for plenty of people- its just that it’s never once in my adult life ever been me. I don’t know what to do with that. I still consistently get the urge to travel and change things up, but its just harder now with a full time job and responsibility and all that crap.
Anyway change is just around the corner and I know it. Soon I will get my license and then I will take some time and disappear into the world once again, but for now the suspense is killing me- I think I might get my hair cut. Or maybe an ironic tattoo. At the very least I plan to disappear into the woods of NH and VT for a week or so and recouperate. Along with needing change I’ve been craving green.
I think this fear thing is about change. I kid you not, 14 people I know have gotten married or engaged in the last year and while I could take or leave the whole marriage business the thing that bothers me about it is that my friends and loved ones are changing in clear and obvious ways. Things are moving on and I guess what I’ve realized is that in the last 5 years I’ve changed too, but in ways that I’ve far from anticipated. For years I moved around a lot, traveled all over the place, moved between social groups, did things that scared me, lived in totally foreign and remote places. Now I have lived in the same city for 4 years, only moved once, gotten a full time job that has no real end in sight; I even slowed down dating. And the thing that makes me nervous about that is that I’m scared I’m settling down and becoming well- complacent. I see it happening in things I let go of, things I don’t try as hard at or care as much about. Hell some of the people I’ve become familiar with think it’s risky for me to cut my hair. And the thing of it is that that life style is fine for plenty of people- its just that it’s never once in my adult life ever been me. I don’t know what to do with that. I still consistently get the urge to travel and change things up, but its just harder now with a full time job and responsibility and all that crap.
Anyway change is just around the corner and I know it. Soon I will get my license and then I will take some time and disappear into the world once again, but for now the suspense is killing me- I think I might get my hair cut. Or maybe an ironic tattoo. At the very least I plan to disappear into the woods of NH and VT for a week or so and recouperate. Along with needing change I’ve been craving green.
Friday, July 18, 2008
The Weekend Migration
The mercury hit around 96 today in the city- it is officially summer in New York. I think summer here is my favorite season by far. By my way of thinking, if you’re going to be sweltering in not just the heat but the humidity that is an NYC summer you may as well be surrounded by concrete, brick, and old men playing dominoes in their undershirts. In fact the only regrettable thing about a city summer is that there aren’t enough trees to sit under while gulping down very cold iced tea and reading a book. There are some, just-not enough.
In all seriousness though New York city suddenly becomes the free-est city in the world in the summer time and that is mostly why I love it. Free movies, pools, concerts, tours, kayaking, hiking, gardens, whatever. You name it and its probably free- there are even free cooling centers so for any of you snarky enough to suggest there may not be free AC, you’re wrong. The other thing I love about summer here: thunder storms. There’s just something satisfying about the heavily audible crack of thunder as it breaks through the heat and cools things down . I know this happens in other places, but I really enjoy it when it happens here.
As much as I love the city in the summer, though, tomorrow I plan to disappear into the trees. There’s a beautiful museum just barely upstate that I’ve been meaning to see and since the context of my work has been slowly beating me down once again, I find myself in need of an escape from the urban. I’m very excited to be in the forest again, or some proximity of it. I think I love it about as much as I love the city, if that’s possible. I suppose I just love them for very different reasons.
Anyway, It should all be very cathartic and nice and so I’m terribly excited for it. Hopefully you’ll enjoy your weekend as well and manage to stay cool wherever you are.
In all seriousness though New York city suddenly becomes the free-est city in the world in the summer time and that is mostly why I love it. Free movies, pools, concerts, tours, kayaking, hiking, gardens, whatever. You name it and its probably free- there are even free cooling centers so for any of you snarky enough to suggest there may not be free AC, you’re wrong. The other thing I love about summer here: thunder storms. There’s just something satisfying about the heavily audible crack of thunder as it breaks through the heat and cools things down . I know this happens in other places, but I really enjoy it when it happens here.
As much as I love the city in the summer, though, tomorrow I plan to disappear into the trees. There’s a beautiful museum just barely upstate that I’ve been meaning to see and since the context of my work has been slowly beating me down once again, I find myself in need of an escape from the urban. I’m very excited to be in the forest again, or some proximity of it. I think I love it about as much as I love the city, if that’s possible. I suppose I just love them for very different reasons.
Anyway, It should all be very cathartic and nice and so I’m terribly excited for it. Hopefully you’ll enjoy your weekend as well and manage to stay cool wherever you are.
Sunday, July 6, 2008
Fidget
I cannot seem to think straight or focus. My body aches and my mind feels rather discontent to settle on any task in particular. I feel as though I'm on pins and needles. Over the weekend my body has been screaming at me to slow down, but I find I cannot and so, get up to pace, stop the task I'm doing to pick another, or stare blankly at my to do list, not wishing to complete it.
Today I felt a desire to create, but not feeling any strong pull in any particular direction I settled on planting my pothos that had begun to root in water. Then I set about adding new music to my Ipod. This was about all the goal directed work I could manage today once I came home from running errands.
This morning I also felt the urge to travel and though I'm planning a trip with a friend in October, I feel conflicted about whether or not I should go. Mainly it's a financial question, but I think also this recent inability to alight on any one topic or idea for too long may be playing a part. After all, one of the tasks I have left is to look up train fares from Paris to Barcelona.
I think the thing that agitated me the most today was the realization that my inability to focus my creative energy was probably coming from a recent focus almost solely on my job. Now, I love my job-dont get me wrong, and likewise I have been able to take time out to spend with people and activities I enjoy, its just that lately I've let my work stress me out even when I'm nowhere near it. Ive been having the urge to quit and go elsewhere to do something different for a while, but some thing is stopping me. Whether it's a need to feel grounded, a need to feel secure in a job, or a need to continue to build connections here in NYC I can't really say. I'm not sure why I stopped listening to my inner self telling me to keep going, but I did and for a while it felt like it was because I needed to stop and deal with whatever it was I was avoiding.
I think in many ways though that need has been met and I still feel like something isn't quite right. I feel like I'm meant to do something more or something else and that I need to figure that out and move onward to doing it. I think that once I gain licensure it will be clearer and I wil lbe freer to look beyond what I do now.I've wanted for a while to work with trauma in varying places, but I"ve been held back by hesitation around the cultural relevance of westernized therapy in a non-western place. I just don't think it would work or should be done and I would very much like to be useful in other places in the world, but I seem to only have cultivated one or two things in terms of career options and I just don't know how to move forward with with them or from them.
It's not that I think what I've done with my life is useless or meaningless, no. It's just that its something thats tricky to apply to the populations I want to work with, without greater sensitivity and caution, and without knowing exactly how to manipulate what I do to best serve those people.The last thing I want is to be useless and more of a burden than a help, and how to ensure I keep doing that and doing it righteously is a thing that keeps me up at night as of late.
Being useful to others has always been important to me and I want the work I do to maintain that usefulness. On a microcosmic scale I suppose I can keep finding new ways of being useful to the people here and now in my work, but in a way I feel like I've hit a wall. Sometimes I think my students-some of them- would be better off in life if I never asked them to think about the things that are hard for them to think about, the things that touble them the most. I know that having someone to talk to can help immensely, and a fair amount of the time it does, but what good is talk if they've got all these other real life situations on their plate that they must somehow deal with? One of my favorite things about working at the shelter I worked at was when I could go down to the basement and help dish out dinner to the men. Then, at least, I knew I was meeting a direct and tangible need., I knew what I was doing was helpful.
Anyway, my point is simply that I don't have some need for thanks or instant gratification or anything like that, but I do need to see clear and tangible benefits for the person I'm looking to assist. At least more so than I witness right now. I think I just need a fresh perspective in a way, and maybe thats why I feel such a need to move on. Or maybe I'm just tired of urban work-who knows. Hope I find out soon, though.
Today I felt a desire to create, but not feeling any strong pull in any particular direction I settled on planting my pothos that had begun to root in water. Then I set about adding new music to my Ipod. This was about all the goal directed work I could manage today once I came home from running errands.
This morning I also felt the urge to travel and though I'm planning a trip with a friend in October, I feel conflicted about whether or not I should go. Mainly it's a financial question, but I think also this recent inability to alight on any one topic or idea for too long may be playing a part. After all, one of the tasks I have left is to look up train fares from Paris to Barcelona.
I think the thing that agitated me the most today was the realization that my inability to focus my creative energy was probably coming from a recent focus almost solely on my job. Now, I love my job-dont get me wrong, and likewise I have been able to take time out to spend with people and activities I enjoy, its just that lately I've let my work stress me out even when I'm nowhere near it. Ive been having the urge to quit and go elsewhere to do something different for a while, but some thing is stopping me. Whether it's a need to feel grounded, a need to feel secure in a job, or a need to continue to build connections here in NYC I can't really say. I'm not sure why I stopped listening to my inner self telling me to keep going, but I did and for a while it felt like it was because I needed to stop and deal with whatever it was I was avoiding.
I think in many ways though that need has been met and I still feel like something isn't quite right. I feel like I'm meant to do something more or something else and that I need to figure that out and move onward to doing it. I think that once I gain licensure it will be clearer and I wil lbe freer to look beyond what I do now.I've wanted for a while to work with trauma in varying places, but I"ve been held back by hesitation around the cultural relevance of westernized therapy in a non-western place. I just don't think it would work or should be done and I would very much like to be useful in other places in the world, but I seem to only have cultivated one or two things in terms of career options and I just don't know how to move forward with with them or from them.
It's not that I think what I've done with my life is useless or meaningless, no. It's just that its something thats tricky to apply to the populations I want to work with, without greater sensitivity and caution, and without knowing exactly how to manipulate what I do to best serve those people.The last thing I want is to be useless and more of a burden than a help, and how to ensure I keep doing that and doing it righteously is a thing that keeps me up at night as of late.
Being useful to others has always been important to me and I want the work I do to maintain that usefulness. On a microcosmic scale I suppose I can keep finding new ways of being useful to the people here and now in my work, but in a way I feel like I've hit a wall. Sometimes I think my students-some of them- would be better off in life if I never asked them to think about the things that are hard for them to think about, the things that touble them the most. I know that having someone to talk to can help immensely, and a fair amount of the time it does, but what good is talk if they've got all these other real life situations on their plate that they must somehow deal with? One of my favorite things about working at the shelter I worked at was when I could go down to the basement and help dish out dinner to the men. Then, at least, I knew I was meeting a direct and tangible need., I knew what I was doing was helpful.
Anyway, my point is simply that I don't have some need for thanks or instant gratification or anything like that, but I do need to see clear and tangible benefits for the person I'm looking to assist. At least more so than I witness right now. I think I just need a fresh perspective in a way, and maybe thats why I feel such a need to move on. Or maybe I'm just tired of urban work-who knows. Hope I find out soon, though.
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