Trading our hearts for handlebars

I need something to focus on other than the fact that its gloomy and cold out, yet again, and my weekend days have become relatively uneventful. My program is winding down and they're kind of taking it easy on us and as a result I find myself with my weekends actually free which is strange to me, though not bad, and the thing is if it were nice I'd go outside and if I had money I'd be in a coffee shop reading. Since I don't really have money and the money I do have I've been saving for my nighttime stuff my days are pretty tame. It's nice but scary.

I guess the thing is I've always been the type of person who needs to keep moving around in one way or another. Sometimes I do it to avoid thinking about things I don't want to think about and more often than not it's habit thanks to a lifetime of the former reason. I've done it for so long I don't really know how to stop and when I do its like my body just becomes overwhelmed. I napped for two hours today because my sleep recently has been in fits and starts. Just getting more of it than I usually do is my personal belief, but either way I took a nap. And I'm sure all of you out there have hints and tips for what to do with my free time: read a book, write in my journal, watch television/ a movie, make art, take a walk, take pictures, do yoga. And that's all well and good and often I do those things, but when you have no energy to do anything, all the suggestions in the world wont work and don't work. I barely have energy enough to focus on this, which is maybe why I'm trying so hard.

I don't know what it is, well, ok I do that's a lie: I'm burnt out on life, on NYC, on dating, on school, on work, on being in my apartment. Sounds depressing no? Yeah, try being on my end of it. Usually it bothers me to express this much negativity, although in my dealings with others I can be somewhat of a pessimist, I don't generally consider myself negative to the point of apathy. Most of the time, while I look at things with a critical eye, I have a passion about what I'm doing or believing in. See I guess its more like I'm feeling apathetic about everything and that scares me. Apathy scares me.

When people don't give a shit about what's happening around them, when they say "yeah but I can't do anything about it so I won't" that scares me because I wonder what the limit is that they will put up with. At what point of injustice will they get angry if ever? Or not even necessarily injustice alone, but even when people just ignore the fact that a beautiful day can make everything in the world seem right and sort of have the response like " so what, its nice out…I'm still staying in and playing video games", it's kind of like I want to scream at them to get out and feel the sunshine, and crowds, and community in general because for Christ's sake the world is a pretty damn amazing place, society is fascinating and our communities are brimming with life. So when I start to feel this way myself I begin to wonder where it's coming from. I usually want to do anything I can to run away from it. I mean, seriously is this just something that happens every now and then because of mood and being busy or is it the result of some overarching and sudden awareness that one voice really doesn't matter, that even if its beautiful out that doesn't change the fact that people across the globe are dying senselessly? I don't know. I guess it could be a mix of both, but it doesn't feel that way.

And so, ok, for me I know this is just an occasional mood and still for others playing video games is enjoying life and is something they completely dive into with passion but what about those who feel apathetic all the time, don't really get passionate about anything they do in life and don't enjoy life on a simplistic level either? Are they just depressed? Do they think about these things or just go around buying into whatever, never loving or fighting for anything, and insisting that they would rather not think about the tough questions because "really, who cares?". Could it also be that some of us have the luxury of feeling passionate about things? I mean seriously, for some people it could be that they are too busy trying to make rent, pay for food and their child's needs and so its less a question of apathy and more a question of not having time to deal with all the other stuff?

Anway, I think parts of the answer to this are obvious and others are not, and maybe its really not productive to think so much about apathy when really I could be out curing my own, but I guess I was just trying to go with the feeling of the moment.